If you meet her, you’ll understand just how painfully optimistic she is. You’ll probably love her for a while, the same way you loved me. She’s just as definite as I am. We’re steam from a kettle; good to breathe in, but you’ll never catch us in your hands. I resemble tainted smoke, but I’m a lot more dangerous to get hooked on.
She’s singing, though not as well as I could. My voice was smoother… like rum or ambrosia. Now, I write poems and twist words. This new life of mine is just as flowing and beautiful as my old music, but who I am now is silent; a person they shouldn’t pay so much attention to.
It was the darkness that got to me. The cold, unfeeling dark. It was my tar sand. I took one small step, slipped, and sunk into hopelessness.
I’m a mess of conflicting impulses. If I met the girl in the mirror, I’d likely kill her. I am two heroes; One is addicted to destroying myself for some greater good, the other is hellbent on saving me. They chase each other around a circle - neither radical ever managing to catch the other.
I meant to reach out for you. I was trying to ask you for help, and then I saw it. You’re just as messed up as I am. You always have been. All this fucking time. We’re just as sad, cornered, and desperate - you’re just a whole lot more of a narcissist about it. You’re as trapped in a corner as I am, you just hold your head higher and lash out at whatever comes near. You act all holier-than-thou but, my dear white knight, have you ever even managed to rescue yourself?
You little shit. Tell me the truth. Tell me, kid, what have you ever managed to save? Have you ever managed to convince someone to change themselves? Have you ever changed your own heart? What about your mind? Have you ever been brave, without drinking down your insecurities? Have you ever leaped before you looked? You’re a coward wearing a king’s crown, and you think you can order me to see the world through your blindness. What right do you possibly have to judge me?
You’re smart to stay silent. Don’t tell me what you have. Don’t tell me about anything at all if I could possibly fall in love with it. Take two living things and never define them - or they will lose their meaning. If you want me to understand, define the space between them. Define the justifiable emptiness and convince me that it is adequate and all is well. I have tried my best to do it for you. I have ran out in the street to prove the only point I’ve ever made to you; that you don’t and never have loved me. You followed me because I am a born leader. When I go down, I take twenty others along without any intention to do so.
I am faithful only to the terrible hope I have for myself and my own awful idealism. I’ve had bad habits but I’ve drowned them out. I’ve read and studied the rules simply so I could draw a map around them. You can no longer hurt me. My half-assed attempts to impress your dark side have turned into battle plans. I stand here -cloaked in darkness, for now- but I am on my way to ruin you. Nobody’s going to see me coming. Nobody’s going to here a sound. I am destructive, volatile, and impulsive. I am addicted to pain and creating an army. I am fearless and, therefore, powerful. Watch your fucking tongue.
With a death glare on my face, I hiss: “Stop singing.”